Amongst the things that get passed down to us from our families – the things that continue to support us, like family traditions or pictures or stories, heirlooms like China, wooden spoons, or upholstered rocking chairs, there are other things that can continue to structure our lives, like fear, shame, and guilt, and some of the darker, more intense stuff like hypervigilance, codependence, or toxic self-reliance.

When you’re raised with dysfunctionality, you learn very quickly how to read the territory.  You learn to check the temperature of the air around you.  You look for changes in expressions, changes in tones of voice… the slightest clue can give you a read on the environment. 

And you learn how to adapt, how to adopt certain behaviors like people pleasing or hiding, never speaking your own opinion but constantly copping to the opinions of others.  Or you learn how to constantly challenge authority, to yell back in order to make yourself bigger, so that the threat becomes less. 

That was a favorite tactic of mine for many, many years. 

These patterns provide a sense of structure and carry us through difficult situations.  They can cause us to pick certain types of romantic partners, or repetitive dead-end jobs.  They can drive us into reckless spending or self-destructive lifestyles. 

Left unchecked, these things can continue to shape the way we live our lives. And so, in their own way, they, too, become family traditions…